If You Only Knew

The other day, while I was busy bustling around the house, my daughter said to me, "Mama, will you come and watch this movie with me?" I playfully responded "Ohhhh, that movie looks waayyyyyyy to scary for me!!!". In reality, I was trying to buy a few extra minutes of tidying up rather than sitting down to watch a movie I, quite frankly, had no interest in watching. However, my daughters responses stopped me in my tracks: "Oh Mama. You're not scared of ANYTHING!" she responded innocently. Oh my darling. If you only knew. 

If you only knew that the day I found out I was growing you in my tummy, I cried at the top of the stairs for hours, terrified at the thought of having a tiny, helpless person to take care of.

If you only knew that every single Doctors appointment and ultra sound that I had, I worried endlessly about finding out something wasn't perfect with the new love of my life.

If you only knew the fear I felt the second I heard your very first cry and wondered how I would care for such a delicate human being.

If you only knew the nights I spent tip toeing in your room to make sure you were still breathing. I still do this, you know, nearly five years after the day they handed you to me.

If you only knew the fear I had the day I left your Daddy, knowing you would grow up without both of us in the same home.

If you only knew the fear I had the day that I first sent you to day care, and then to school, knowing that I had to put my trust in people I knew only from meeting for a matter of minutes.

If you only knew the worry I had for you growing up in a world that can be so very cruel.

If you only knew the nights I spent awake fearful that your sickness would steal you from me.

If you only knew the terrifying moments watching you learn to ride a bike, learn to skate, and play recklessly with your three older boy cousins.

If you only knew the way my heart broke when you told me your very first boyfriend ever, Ian, had broken up with you. You were 4.

If you only knew that I am fearful every single day that I set you free in this big world, that I will not get you back as wholesome, as innocent, as absolutely perfect as you were the moment that you woke that morning.

If you only knew, my sweet darling, that my fear remains strong every day, but that it is overshadowed by my love, by my trust, and by my faith that you will be a phenomenal human being. It is quieted by the amount of love that I have for every piece of your soul.  It is silenced every single time you call me Mama. If you only knew, my sweet love, that my only fear in this world is that one day my heart will burst, from loving you just way too much.